I am struggling to articulate and process what I’m feeling. On one hand, I’m very excited to be back in Colorado with my friends and family; while on the other hand, I feel conflicted in leaving Panama permanently. For the past two years, I’ve created a life here in a small rural town. It’s certainly been hard but there have been lights of joy, peace, and simplicity here that I’ve learned to embrace. I encountered a quote that has been sticking with me: “what a privilege it is to outlive a dream you once had.”
I’ve been reflecting and remembering the mindset I had two years ago: what does a Panamanian town look like or a house? How will I integrate with people? What projects will I work on? And with who? What foods will I eat? I had so many questions and it was such a big unknown for me. Now, I can confidently and proudly answer all those questions with a found amount of love and admiration. Two years is a lot of time to unpack. Two years of discovering, building relationships, being vulnerable and uncomfortable. The list goes on and on about how I’ve grown and how this experience has impacted me.
I am very proud to have lived in Panama for two years, volunteering my time to serve others and learn more about life. There have been many times where I resented this experience, wishing I was back in the States - an activity didn’t go as planned, I didn’t do anything “productive” for multiple days, and feeling isolated. But, then I take time away for myself to recharge and I remember that this experience has given me way more than I have given back to my community.
I’m bringing back a stronger self where I know how to navigate my identity in cross-cultural settings. I know how to hold my boundaries and when to adapt to different people and situations. I think I’ve become a more empathetic person. Two years ago, I think I was a much more entitled person. I’ve learned that listening is enough, that there doesn’t always need to be a response. I learned that intimate connections can be made without speaking, that actions demonstrate one’s intentions fiercely.
Last week, I was in the city with my cohort and we started the process to wrap up our services. It brought up a lot of mixed emotions, a lot of confusion and not knowing what I’m feeling. We had a fun celebration on a catamaran sailboat to celebrate the completion of our two years. It was the last time we will all be together because people are leaving at different times. A group of us visited the province of Colon which has such a different vibe full of art and history. We stayed in Portobello for a night and did a boat tour which was beautiful.
I have five more weeks in my town. People are starting to ask me when I leave and it’s hard to see their reactions. My host-mom does not want me to leave and that’s been stressing me out. We’ve spent so much time together and I think it has formed an unhealthy amount of dependence on both sides. I’m very grateful for her and her grandkids, especially Michelle; she is my favorite person in all of Panama and I’ve told her that several times. I’m nervous about the goodbyes. I know it’ll be hard for me but I also know that it’s necessary and important for me and others.