Where do I pick up?
That seems to be a common theme here on my blog. I’m someone who enjoys reflecting and a big part, for me, is to write out my feelings in a cohesive way. It’s cathartic for me to look back and articulate my experiences into a story.
First off, I’m officially a Peace Corps volunteer! After 9.5 weeks of non-stop training, we had our volunteer swear-in ceremony where the US ambassador came and officials from Panamá’s ministries of education and health attended. It was a nice wrap up to honor our hard training and a good commencement to the start off our two years as volunteers.
The day we left for our communities was so emotional. For me, the air was heavy and there was a lot of pressure on my heart. I started crying at breakfast, so many emotions going through me: proud, sad, nervous, ready, terrified, doubtful, and so many more that I can’t put into words. I also cried when we loaded the buses and every time one of my friends left the bus to go to their community. Part of it, too, is what it means for me to be here; to go on an unconventional route and not know. I’ve been leaning on this quote a lot: “to live the question.” Right now, I have so many questions and no answers. To live the question means to embrace each step in the process, to not get too far ahead, to be curious, open to surprises, and settle in without knowing. Historically, this has been very hard for me. I would schedule my whole day to distract myself from asking questions I didn’t have the answers to.
Now, I have no idea what will happen on any given day. For instance, like today, I woke up and helped my host mom make bollos from scratch. We started shucking corn at 8am and the bollos finished cooking at 5pm. It was quite the process of shucking corn, cutting the corn, liquifying the corn, tying the corn, and then boiling them.
Yesterday, I went into the school to present myself in the Acto Cívico which is a weekly gathering to play the national anthem and address announcements. We walked a tour of the school, then my guide and I went to talk to the local government, info plaza, and a club. By the time we got back to the house, I was ready to go to bed and it wasn’t even 9:30am.
I want to acknowledge how tremendously helpful my community guide, Cristhian, has been. He helps me get to know the people and the community. He also speaks English very well. If I don’t understand something, he can translate it for me. I’ve also enjoyed spending time with my host family cooking, playing cards, and sitting in silence.
That’s a big cultural difference. People enjoy sitting in silence and then occasionally will ask a question. A conversation has ebbs and flows; it doesn’t need to be rushed or completed in one moment. This is another thing I have a lot of time and opportunities to practice. To learn to be still and at peace. I tend to always think of what’s next, always jittering my legs, and anxiously waiting for what’s to come. Here, yes, I still do that but I plan to be here for two years. So, I do my best to remind myself that whatever I’m experiencing is all part of this process.